creating for oneself; process and words

Process, start somewhere. Roisin Markham

Sometimes I get in a muddle. My head gets jammed with thoughts, ideas all a clutter - aspirations, frustrations and unrealised ambition, in my mind and opinion. Then I get frustrated disillusioned and need to process. This often happens at busy times when my studio becomes a transitional space for working with others, materials go 'in and out' boxes stacked, lots of two-ing and frow-ing. It happens when things don't work out the way I thought they were going to and when that impacts on work or proposed projects.
It happens when I do not spend time making my own work and the snatched five minutes no longer satisfies. My brain, mental head space demands I make time to process and the best way I know how is creatively.
So yesterday I decided to paint. In fact what I decided was I would spend time in the studio alone, door closed, phone and computer off.
Painting did n't wash or at least not in the sophisticated ways I demand as a painter. Process woman just process if you have n't painted for weeks, months how can you expect to sit down and paint masterfully? It is like drawing you have to maintain a daily practice.
I normally start with writing as my in but the paint too long in its tubes still did not want to play or stretch across the paper or canvas.
Instead it was the words that poured out in a bile like process of anger, frustration and sadness. That was where my emotional state was yesterday afternoon. Strangely a pile of paper bags caught my eye. The words expressed onto them demanded to become a mini installation in my studio.
The photo is bad on purpose.

Mini installation in studio. Roisin Markham

By the time I had taped them all up what ever was going on was being teased out. Yes a particular experience did tip these feelings over the edge. I have often felt like an outsider and my personal experiences through life have re-enforced these feelings of never belonging.
Sometimes being a Mum to three boys & being married to a man emphasis this too - testosterone pha! But this was about where I live in rural isolation and how I work.
In saying that their is a positive edge to all this from this place of outside. I view things differently, I am unconventional being on the fringe allows me that place from which to work, invent, positively disrupt and in a bizarre turn of fate that is something I value. Yes I know contradictory and conflicted.
But on days when I feel off or the world does not sit quiet right it feels good to go with the anger and express it in health ways. Processing through creativity is a powerful form of expression. That everyone may have equal rights to access...

Today process continues... installation ii. Roisin Markham

Today the words are still there but they vie for a positive expression and meaning in my own life and work.

Words are words, expression gives meaning. Roisin Markham

EXCLUDE - INCLUDED

not part of - part of

remain outside - join in

rural - town

isolation - inclusion

A project to explore with others around these words would be interesting and I have spoken to some groups where this would be relevant recently. But for now I continue to use them as words to process what is going on - graphite and ink and paper. Where do these word go next? Paper planes? fabric sinking in the canal or under the sea. They are but words but their expression seems the best way to process my response to these feelings that fleet and flit and yet again become submerged.
Sifting through draft emails this morning I came across this lovely apt quote
"Sometimes stepping away from something brings a clarity you never knew you were missing."
I am clear that through expression I get clarity, life is not all roses. We all have to find our own meaning.

This blog post further clarifies things for me and in the process perhaps someone else may find solace.

None of us are alone may we find the support we need and the tools to equip us to express ourselves.

I remain positive, unconventional and an outsider I just feel differently about it today.

Thanks to Barbara Greene in NY, @emoticomma for her lovely words on twitter today and through saying 'hi' prompted me to enquire "so how do you keep you spirits up?"

So let me finish by asking "How do you find clarity? how do you process?"