Why the 13th of December is an important date for me

I was about to post a link on to Facebook about why today holds significance for me but felt it deserved a blog post. More personal then normal, then again my artwork is personal...
Today is my maternal grandmothers birthday, she died the summer before last . My Grannie Egan would have been 94 today, I miss her energy on the earth.
As an artist I paint those feeling or find ways to express, treasure and hold memories for myself and others. It gives meaning to experiences and helps me process my world. Others find solace in that also either through my work or through the work I do with them.
My grandmother grew very frail as she moved into her nineties, she became lighter on the earth and I knew her energy was lifting from it. I could not keep her here and she did not want to stay.

I painted this little piece to represent the fact that I knew she would be missing from the earth soon. I blocked out two 'doorways' with masking tape, wrote in the background and painted my hearts piece.
After the painting was dry I lifted the masking tape off revealing two white unpainted paces.
The second door was painted for my father who was very sick at the time but thankfully has now recovered.
I've used the image of the painting twice;
1. as an illustration for a blog post on Finding success through failure over on my business blog CreativeDynamix. Where I combined reversed text over the painting.
2. using the illustration I combined it with a map of Venice, text and typography printed it on to cotton and beaded it as part of my Of earth and soul exhibition at the Wexford Fringe 2010. Where it got a lot of attention and was sold. The text that was used with the typography to make a visually playful emphasis was a quote
"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Leo Buscaglia

...and you see thats is what happens. Life goes on - work and thoughts, pictures, images, crockery and wool merge and mold beyond grief and loss in to images and remembrance and holding the essence of those memories.
Today I remember my Grandmother with fondness.
I continue to hold her memories and treasure them and craft images to tell her story, our story. I weave the contents of our story in and out of my ideas around the Legacy Series that slowly takes shape into a future exhibition. Even now she inspires me to live my life to express myself and I find touchstones which inspire me in the everyday things that have found there way into my home and my studio since she died. They are not heirlooms or priceless things of great inheritance but fragments of a life lived, of a woman called Olive Egan she lives on in the memory of those who loved her.

My studio like my memory holds fragments of my grandmother; bags of wool, orange knitting pins boxes for knitting needles, knitting patterns and crochet instructions, bought or kept from magazines. The oldest one from 1940 others from 1950's right through to the mid 1980's.

Womans Weekly January 1954

I've been spending some time stripping out my studio and this morning I stopped to look through a large black refuse sack full of wool and patterns. It seemed apt.

...the progression of work

I had great stitching plans for being in the studio this morning, my plan had included some sample stitching, development of collage based images for a mixed media series along with a quilting and painting sampler. I really wanted to move things along so I decided to start the studio day with something completely different and cleared a bit of table space for the sewing machine... perplexing to say the least. I could not get my sewing machine to work. I had leant it to a neighbour sometime ago and have not used it since! Could I figure it out - yes if I spent some time on it but with time moving on I decided to refocus, twitted the three items on the left and then got on with something else. I went back to some of the collages I had started on the mac in photoshop. I love the progression of an image.

I worked on a montage last week it is part of the 'Legacy series' and is linked to underneath my grandmothers table and memories are made of these. I printed it on to cotton with the idea to stitch it. It was quiet flat. I left it alone for a few days to mull over.

Now I can see that the leaf motif needs to be printed, stitched and embellished separately and then layer on top of the print. It would look well printed on heavy watercolour paper with the leaf stitched on. I’m also considering making the background out of ultramarine silk nuno felted with orange – yellow felt with surface detail of silk tops. But I think… background printed on to cotton a metallic thread stitch of the quote in the lower left corner and the embellished leaf motif stitched on. What do you think?

The leaf and its autumn colouring I wanted to explore more...

I'm happy with this one and it prints out well. I plan to stitch and bead sparsely.
So although I did not get what I had planned to do done I did have a good creative day at the studio; printed out images for stitching, laid out a rough draft for a collage, posted a new image Correspondance on Redbubble, listened to some podcasts and had some creative headspace to mull over doing, being and progressing some visual work. Fantastic... now its time for a walk and the weekend. Love Fridays.
Oh and the quote that is featured you might enjoy it
"When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and your discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.” Patanjali

What is the trade off for staying stuck?

Up until today I was using everything in my arsenal to avoid two creative projects. I had become master of procrastination and avoidance. I am using everything and anything as an excuse not to finish two creative projects.
1. The last illustration for Gill's book and
2. My possessed painting
They have both become blocks and I have perfected the art of deflection and procrastination around both. This is ridiculous. I previously built a career on project managing large complex technical projects, pushed through hard core negotiations, managed and mentored others to success. I know how to get things done. I know how to meet deadlines. So what is stopping me?
The real question has become what is my pay off for keeping stuck?

1. The illustration.
Some background: I went to art college to study Visual Communications [1988 – 1990] my dream was to become a children’s book illustrator. I did not see eye to eye with the illustration lecture I was n’t into water colours. In fourth year I found away to express an illustrative style in keeping a collage diary it was left of field in graphics and very ‘arty’. I graduated in 1990 and collage did n't become trendy till about four years later. Because as a nineteen year old I did n't know how to bring my dream to fruition I let it go. I abandoned my dream through not knowing and not finding out. I took up photography I was good at it with flashes of brilliance. I struggled with graphic design I think I was too young to really trust my own design sense. So fast forward through 1990 – 2004 [a career in the localisation industry, reclaiming my creative self, becoming a mom, becoming a professional artist] as my eldest started school I meet a great bunch of women and they inspired me to be the best version of myself that I could be. One of my women, Gill asked me to illustrate a book she had written. I loved it. It was written to be one of those thick cardboard books for small kids. The narrative provided rich inspiration, short sentences in which the brevity of the text flowed from one page to the next and makes it an instant favourite. Ideas flowed. Then it came to the last two images.

and I just don’t seem to be able to move past getting on with the project. It needs to be good – in fear of not being up to scratch I incapacitate myself to try. Or is it that the project is coming to an end it looks like a book that could be published. So I start spiralling into 'But what if?' What if it's no good then I am still without my dream? What if it's not liked? Then I am a bad artist. What if I never finish these illustrations? Then I will never know... but then neither will my friend whom has placed her trust in me.
I've decided to reframe how I am thinking about this illustration really there is only one left. Gill has been way too accommodating about my deadline. So now this is the new perspective: it is a commission. I have set myself a deadline of the 10th of February to complete this project and scheduled appropriate time to do the illustrations compile the book and send a copy to the writer.
And the other boulder:
2. This painting has dictated what it wants done at every step of the way. I thought I was creating it – but I feel I’m just facilitating it. On December 21st 2009 I found myself writing about it on my redbubble journal not wanting to blog here about it.
“I am having a bizarre relationship with a painting.
It insisted that a table be painted off centre to the left.
Fishing wire was added to the legs for texture.
Then that paper dollies be added.
Three layers of tissue paper have been painted, glued and use to build up the layers and texture.
It has been attacked by a metallic crayon and now…
...wants me to paint it purple.
I have resisted all of these stages hoping that they were instants and just that of madness but they prevailed!
I am resisting the purple…
I invoke the right of the ancient Greeks to blame it on my ‘genius’ it is not my doing”
Over Christmas I showed the work in progress to my sister in-law also an artist. In response to her silence I made the excuse 'I never said it was a good painting'. No reaction is the worst thing! But in fact does it matter if it is a good painting or a bad one? It is one. It is a piece of creative expression that has come forth from my hand. I cease. I don't let it develop. It blocks all my creative flow. I know it stands their in my stream of conscious and unconscious thoughts and is like a boulder. Finishing it would release tension and allow for more of the flow. But... what if it is a bad painting? I am a bad painter.
I've realised that sometimes how I work is not enough for me. I am dissatisfied with the quality of my creative work and critic my work ruthlessly. I need to not hold on so tight, just let go. Allow my work to be, it is only work and there will be better paintings and work. There may also be worse paintings or events.

And then just as I was about to turn off twitter this morning to go start painting this appeared tweeted by @Iconic88: You haven't failed until you quit trying. – Anon

I'm feed up not trying.
Staying stuck has its values and we each must level with ourselves about what they are negative or positive.
This year while staying stuck with my possessed painting I did make some decisions about slowing down and letting projects have that creative space to develop.
Being honest with myself on why I am ignoring a painting or not finalising a project is important. To recognise and decide whether or not I am okay with it. Then I can choose to continue and be okay with circumstances or to move past them. I’ve just had the painting hovering as testament that I still struggle with my creative process. Moving past being stuck looks a lot like acceptance this morning. I am just here. Be here. There, over there is for later. Just be here take out your paints and continue.

Fantastic quote!

"Creativity is a type of learning process where the teacher and pupil are located in the same individual"
Buckminster Fuller